They say time heals all wounds,
but it may still leave a scar
when that unforgiving arrow
pierces straight into your heart.

In the depths of our souls
where it seems darkness may dwell
there is a light in us all
if we let our ships sail.

The amount of time wasted
on material wealth
keeps our mortal beings
trapped in a living hell.

Stop and smell the roses,
see some nature in the wild.
We long for the innocence
of a heart like a child.

The beauty of life is that
it doesn’t make sense,
there is no such thing
as that white picket fence.

To figure this out is
a bittersweet lesson,
to accept what you cannot change
is a self-induced blessing.

Some are here to teach you,
some are here to lie.
Some are here to love you,
some may pass you by.

Some are gonna stay a while
and some may want to go.
Some just want your autograph
so they can sell your soul.

Some you only get to see
for maybe half a mile
and although you love them dearly
they can only stay a while.

Those ones are like angels
sent from God above
to come by in the nick of time
and remind you that you are loved.

No matter who comes in and out
of all our different lives
what counts is who you really are,
not what kind of car you drive.

Let your soul shine,
lay down and look at stars
and please don’t ever doubt
how beautiful you really are.

To live is a gift,
to love is a present.
Everyone can eat together,
both the king and the peasant.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out to other cities, countries, and nations in an effort to make the world a better place and do something good for humanity.  However, after volunteering for a local food pantry and having friends who have educated me on the fact that there is a great deal of poverty here in our own hometown, a dear friend and I decided to go downtown Asheville and see for ourselves what kind of struggles are going on in our own back yard.

Tamara loaded up the car with a pot of homemade chili, and we packed up some donated coats, socks and extra grub to go spread some love for the holidays.

We saw a girl sitting down below the Salt Cave, hanging out in between some bushes. Reaching out of the car, Tamara offered her a coat and some socks. She took a biscuit and some bottled water and was nothing  but grateful. She had so much pain in her eyes. I don’t know what this girl has seen in life, but the struggles were there. She began to bury the water, so as to save it for later on when she came back to sleep. I thought of how I have a bed at home. I thought of how I have running water and toilet paper. So many  things I take for granted every day, and this sweet girl was happy to have one little bottle of water and a sausage biscuit. She was even happier about the socks than the food, and here I am with a heated home, stocked refrigerator, and I complain that I “need new socks.”

Tamara and I ventured on to approach the soup kitchen. We met two ladies who were outside of the Women’s Rescue Mission. Pearl and Robin were absolute dolls. We offered them socks and chili, and Pearl had a bowl of chili over a great discussion of her experience growing up as a nurse. She fought leukemia and won, and she was the type of person you meet and feel like you have known forever. I loved how kind the windows to her soul were. Despite the fact that she did not have a home and was staying at the mission, she was so joyful. Her laugh was soft but sincere, and she genuinely loved people. I was so grateful for the fact that she shared her story.

Robin was hilarious. She shared a touching story of how her father died of AIDS back during a time when there was not a lot of research and education out there yet. She recalled going to visit him in the hospital room days before he died, and at the time she was forced to wear what she called a “moon suit” to go in and see him, as AIDS was looked at in a similar fashion to the plague. People did not realize that you didn’t get AIDS from simply sitting beside a person or being in the same room. Robin’s eyes filled with tears as she shared how she “walked into his hospital room and took that suit off”, and she laid in the bed with her father as they held each other. Soon after he would lose his life to AIDS. The pain she felt was evident when she shared this story.

Both of these women were so strong. They have seen things I could probably never imagine. As we hugged and said our goodbyes, they told us to go set up where the folks have the drum circle and pass out some food and socks there. We were ecstatic when we arrived and found that Warren Wilson sends students to set up and give out FREE and HEALTHY food to anyone who would like to have it. People were coming by and eating, and it was beautiful.

Tamara set her chili out, and we gave out more socks and biscuits. Yet again, people were thankful for everything – but they were especially grateful for the socks. It ached my heart to think that someone would be cold at night. A guy named Jason walked up to get some chili, and he was covered in camo and bear skins. He was hilarious. He shared how he had been homeless for 7 years. He was previously in the army years ago and shared some of his experiences. We enjoyed talking about fishing and hunting, and he was very aware of how to survive off of the land. He was wealthy in that aspect.

All of these people were very different. They all had different stories, struggles, and experiences. Yet they all wore smiles on their face and strength in their voices. They were fighters. Not a single one of them asked for any money.

I am writing this in hopes that our hearts can hold less judgment towards those whose stories we have never heard. I have seen the world from a different set of lenses, and any one of us could lose every single thing we have tomorrow. We cannot judge our neighbor who appears to have less than us. We cannot assume that just because someone is homeless, they are strung out on drugs. In the same sense, we cannot judge the ones who are strung out on drugs, either. All of us have our own demons, and all of us have our own struggles. We are all on a different journey. The smiles these people wore probably covered a great deal of pain, struggle, and loss.

Everyone can eat at the same table together, both the peasants and the king. Let’s change our lenses and adjust ourselves to look a little bit beyond. Things are not always what they seem. There is something that giving does to the soul that just completely fills my heart and soul in a way that nothing else can. Giving does not have to be something just done during the holidays. Giving is an open season. Giving something as simple as your time or a listening ear can do wonders for another soul. Give giving a chance.

There’s so much I want to say to you, there’s so much I want you to see. It just doesn’t seem right having two rugrats run around with the realization that they will never know you as I did. It doesn’t even sound right. It doesn’t feel right.

Liam left some pretty holly leaves on your grave today. We know you aren’t there. Yet each time I come, I flash back to the day they laid you in the ground. A piece of my soul died that day. I have never quite been the same.

This is the 6th Christmas we have had without you. 6 long years. I still have your phone number memorized. I still have your name in my phone. I still have pictures of you everywhere. I still love the smell of Pond’s Cold Cream. I still love you…. more than anything in this world.

I tear up at times as I see the kids with Mama. It reminds me of you and I. I wish I could just hug you and feel the warmth of your skin. Your heartbeat always had a way of
keeping me at ease- no matter how chaotic life could be. You believed in me so much. You are the reason I believe in so much.

I sat and laid my hand on your grave today. Tears poured as I thought of how thankful I am to be with my family today but how lonely it still is without you. I don’t think it will ever be the same.

You brought so much joy to our lives. As I watched Mama dust off your grave and talk to you, I broke down. I thought of how one day I will lose her. My heart aches at the loss of you, and it aches at the pain my Mama feels in losing her own mother. You were irreplaceable.

People say loved ones gone on before us watch over us from above, yet the Bible tells us there are no tears in Heaven. No suffering, no pain. It’s sometimes hard to think that you can see us, because if you could you would be saddened by our pain.

So I tell myself that you’re with me in nature. You’re with me when I cook green beans and flash back to stringing them with you on the porch. You’re with me when I push Lynix on a swing and flash back to you pushing me on that tire swing. You’re with me when Liam falls asleep on my chest, just like I did with you. You’re with me when I’m in the woods, just like today when I saw that bald eagle fly by over the stream looking to catch fish just as I was. We shared the same grounds, and I know that was you. I have never seen anything so free and beautiful, and it was right after I visited your grave today. I know that was you.

I’ll never long for anything as much as I long to see you again. Thank you for that beautiful view today. That was my first time ever seeing a bald eagle, and it was a very spiritual experience.

Love one another, people. You never know who is hurting. Pretty smiles can cover up some deep pain.

I was at the VA tonight with Daddy.

Outside in the hall in front of the room, an older retired vet sat doing a breathing treatment. He was missing his left arm. That’s not what stood out, though. What I noticed was his spirit. I could hear his laugh as he spoke to the RN. It was contagious. He looked through the glass into the room and smiled, and despite the distance between us I could see in his eyes so much. I could see a soul that had seen more than I could ever fathom. For, the losses I have experienced in my life are ones which are a part of the general cycle of life itself. Death is inevitable, and people die over time. Loved ones grow old, and they pass on. This man has seen far more than that. I could see just from a brief moment of eye contact that he had experienced death and loss in ways that would mentally flip me out. Yet he sat there with a smile the size of Texas, despite the fact that he lost a limb serving his country.

My Daddy is a very loving man, but he is a very disciplined and stern man as well. He is the type of man that an entire room respects just from the sense of his presence. As we both watched that old vet, Daddy looked over at me. We locked eyes, and I saw tears in his eyes. I have never seen this man cry. Although tears did not stream down his face, I could tell that seeing this vet and his spirit greatly touched his heart. He said, “I am going to close my eyes for a minute.” I knew what he was doing. He was closing his eyes so I did not see him cry.

This is so significant. Soldiers have many feelings. These old vets have seen things we could never possibly imagine, and you know what? They do cry. We just don’t see it.

Daddy has a way of teaching lessons with words of wisdom. He looked over at me and said, “you know, when you’re a soldier you have to be prepared for conflict. You have to always be prepared to weather the storm and realize that any day could be your last. It’s a lot like life. Part of growing up and maturity is not cracking under pressure. Well, when you are a soldier, you must always have that mentality. You may see your friend get shot, but you can’t let your emotions take control. We were taught in training to use tobacco or dirt to block gun wounds on yourself- or a fellow soldier. You just never know what you may see, and you can’t let it knock you down or you would never make it. Just like life- you can’t let things get the best of you when hard times come.”

A few things came to mind here:

1. I have never been a soldier. I have no clue what they go through. Even those who have never been in direct combat deserve our utmost thanks and respect for their sacrifice. They have a strength many do not possess.

2. Our vets deserve to be taken care of.

3. My Daddy…. words cannot express what he means to me.

4. Wow. So many would look at that old vet and think, “well his life must suck because he only has one arm.” However, perhaps one’s attitude sucks for thinking such a thing. This man had more life in him than the fountain of youth. When I mentioned how amazing that vet was, Daddy said, “well, that smile may have taken years.”

There Dad goes with his lessons through his words of wisdom. We are all faced with hardships. We all have our battles. We can lay down and hang our hats, or we can stand up like soldiers and battle that storm.

It seems so easy for us to go out and choose all kinds of different shoes to wear. Yet, when the tables turn and we should try to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we do not want to wear them if the laces aren’t secured properly, if the shoes don’t seem to shine as well as they should, or if they don’t have that perfect support to make the walk easier. A lot can be learned from that.

This night was very necessary. Also, I would like to say this. Don’t be afraid to love. Yes, you may lose that person down the road, but don’t miss the opportunity to have that dance. You’ll never forget the music that song will play for you for the rest of your life. You’ll carry that person with you forever, and they will always have that song in your heart.

Tonight, I sat out by a well-built fire with some people I love. There was so much imagery tonight connecting nature and the crazy big universe with life and the living.

The glow of the fire around our faces on this cold evening allowed us to see what was important despite the chill of the night- that is each other. Then my mind started drifting. Being outside and vulnerable to the night is much like the walk of life. You don’t know what will come your way. There are good times and bad times. There are good apples and bad ones…. but that’s part of the journey. You have to allow yourself to step outside the zone you find the most comfort with in order to grow. You have to embrace the darkness despite what may be out there trying to prey on you in order to gain that strength you never knew you had. Sometimes you have to get a shot to the heart out of nowhere to see just how priceless that beauty really is in those who really love you at both your highest peaks and lowest valleys.

As I sat and looked up to the sky, I noticed how pretty and bright the stars were. It was almost as if they literally just began to shine, and this was their first time on stage, so they were killing it as they earned every bit of that standing ovation they would get from all who wished to behold their free beauty.That’s the kind of beauty that really leaves you speechless. When you realize you are just a dot on a map, it’s truly humbling- because even so, one dot can make such an overwhelming difference in this world…. if we can connect our dots despite our differences.

What stood out to me the most was how most of the trees held no leaves. They were bare and completely nude in the wild, unashamed and unafraid. Yet, they realized this was not their season to shine right now. Their 15 minutes of fame will come later in life- during the cycle of the next season, and they accepted that and were fine with letting the stars have their time to shine. In the spring and summer when the leaves grow out again, the sky will be more covered. Although the stars will still be there, they will give the blossoms and trees some time to perform.

We could learn so much from nature. She sits there every day, so willingly trying to teach us something as simple as being humble and generous throughout our lives. Let our own souls shine, but don’t hog the stage. We all have our time to shine, but when it’s time for someone else to sprout or entertain the world with their talents, step back and be happy for them. Let them go.

The smoke flowing up from the fire was such a vivid reminder tonight that there is a land out there past what our eyes can see. The smog from the fire did not float down… it flowed up. Such is life. It can only go up from here. Through the peaks and the valleys, there is something greater that we will rise to in our lives…. but we have to make it there first. The best is yet to come. Oftentimes, maybe we see our dreams and realize in our minds what it would take to get there, but perhaps some give up too quickly as they fail to see that you have to climb to get to the top of that mountain before you get to see the view. Even the smoke from the fire must wait for the coals to get hot enough before releasing itself when the time is right and being set free.

Winter is a reminder to us that we are all mortals. We are seeds which have been sewn, and we are grown and then allow ourselves to either wilt and wither or blossom and give to this world what talents we have to offer- in hopes that other buds can do the same.

Winter reminds us that although people look at death as dark and eerie, it is actually a time for growth and reflection.

A loved one dies, and a piece of us seems to have died when they did. However, winter serves as that reminder to us that we can allow those people to live on in our hearts and souls through our actions, customs and traditions. Winter means that your soul has time to reflect and blossom into a new and colorful season.

Maybe that’s why the best feeling to my feet are when they are completely bare and planted firmly on the ground of that mountain soil in which I call my home.

Don’t let the static get so loud during the day that you fail to hear the lovely music of the night.

It is well with my soul.

I have never stopped to take the time to give thanks to the man who helped my mother create me. It’s probably because I have a Daddy who proved that love is thicker than blood. However, I must give credit where it’s due.

To the “man” who gave me nothing but life:

I want to thank you for the fact that you were an addict. Because of you, I never gave myself the chance to get hooked on hard drugs. I hated them because of what you did to my mother when you used them.

Because of you, I will never be in an abusive relationship. I can be a beautiful woman still without having battered insides from the world of deception you created with the life you lived.

Because of you, my Mama found a strength she never knew she had. She vowed to raise me to be independent and never have to depend on anyone but myself so that I could make it on my own. That’s one of my best qualities.

Because of you, my Mama got her life back. She got sick of the bullshit and learned that we cannot always control bad things that happen in our lives, but we can sure surround ourselves with positive people to sort of even out the ratio.

I have a man that I call my Daddy because of you. Because you were never there, a real man was. My Mama flew up here to these beautiful mountains of North Carolina, accompanied by my sweet Memaw, and left the Lonestar state to start over. That’s what family does. They stick together. Because of you, I love my own family even more, and I was raised right beside a Memaw who believed I was the absolute world. I may not have had the bond I do with her if you were still around. Thank you.

Life with you was like looking at a false reflection every day. Mama saw one image, and she couldn’t see past the life she had with you- until you shattered that mirror. Once it was broken, the cracks allowed my mother to see the light through the darkness, and she saw there were other paths out there. She saw that she still had a future- that she didn’t have to raise me with you. I am so glad you shattered that mirror. It gave my Mama the ability to break free. Because of you, my Mama had me. She always says that’s why she wouldn’t trade what she went through for anything, because she got her baby girl.

I was given a choice to decide if I wanted to reach out and make contact with you when I was 16. My parents never dogged you. Some of my family, however, did share stories of how you were. I chose not to try and find you. That was a choice I made on my own. I didn’t need you, because you didn’t need me. Luckily I am not a greedy person, so I didn’t feel like adding another life to my circle. I was raised that the circle won’t be unbroken, and I feared that you may break that line.

On the contrary, I worried that if I met you, you would feel even more inadequate than you probably already did after hearing about my Daddy. You would never be able to amount to the man he is. You would never be able to fill those shoes. So I did the honors of allowing you to bow out gracefully from a stage you never played on to me. You could be like The Phantom of the Opera that was never shown.

I don’t hate you. I would never come visit your grave, but I would never spit on it. I am grateful that you gave me life. I kind of feel bad for you, because I don’t think you knew how to truly love- I don’t think you loved yourself. There are two kids in my life that I will make sure know they are loved beyond measure, because that is what my family does. We love. We forgive. We take pride in who we are.

I hope that as your body returns to the dust of the earth that your soul can find some peace.

Sometimes doing nothing for a person can in return give them everything. You being a nobody in my life made me a real somebody.

Any man can be a father; it takes a special man, a real man, to be a Daddy. I feel sorry for you that you never earned that title in this life. I’ll give you props, though- you made one hell of a kid.