A few years back, I remember that visit to the OBGYN.  I was one of those women who was told she would not be able to have children.  I remember the tears, the agony, the heartache I felt deep inside.  I remember pulling over on the parkway to gather my composure so that I could return to work and function throughout the day to get my job done.  I remember the questions racing through my mind.

Why me, God?  There are so many who do not want children yet have them. There are so many who do have them yet are not there for them, or are out running the streets instead of being a parent to their child.  What karma is this for me? Am I not worthy? Am I cursed?  What is so wrong with me that so many of my friends can be parents and I never will?  

I was that girl.  I was devastated.  It took some time to really accept those words that repeated through my head daily from my doctor.  They haunted me.  I began to focus my energy on school and my education, and I grew to look at my nephew and two nieces as the closest I would ever get to being a mother.  Man, do I love those three kids.  I always will.  The void inside of me still remained, however.  I longed to have a child call me their mother.

As time passed, I rejoiced at the gift of life through my friends.  I celebrated them becoming mothers.  They all were so deserving of that title.  They are amazing women.  I watched my mother raise my sister’s kids and wondered how on earth I could ever compare to her as a mother, anyway.  Pretty sure no one can fill her shoes.

Some nights when I got home, I would hug my dog and just lay on the porch with her, grateful I could be her mom.  I would lay on the hammock as tears poured down my face, praying that my sister would get her life right so my nephew and nieces could have the mom they deserve.  I would try not to question God, but I would ache so badly at wondering why life threw me these cards.  I struggled to be optimistic about it all.  It was so hard at times.  I was not getting any younger.

Time marches on, and I met someone.  Something clicked, and I finally opened up my heart after many years of keeping it locked behind a steel wall.

I knew I would never be a mother, but in the back of my mind I always had hope.

Life does not always go as planned.  Although I dreamed of being a mother, I always wanted to be married, own a home and have my career going.  Apparently life had other plans for me, at a time when I least expected it.

I was walking through Ingles one day and went to the restroom. Although I hate public bathrooms, when nature calls we all know you must answer.  As I went into the bathroom, the smell literally made me want to vomit.  I walked out and ran to Daddy and my partner and said “Guys, we have GOT to keep walking.  The smell of that bathroom is going to make me puke.”  My boobs had been hurting lately, and after a few comments from the two men I loved I decided to go get a couple of pregnancy tests.  I knew there was no way, though. I was convinced I had the flu and was about to have my period instead.

I will never forget that day in April.

I took both tests and fell to my knees in the bathroom.  They were positive.  There is no way this could be real.  I still was not convinced.  I told Heath, and as we hugged I still had doubt that this could not be real.

As I went to the doctor a few days later, I was told that I was in fact pregnant.  I cannot explain to you all of the emotions I felt in that moment.  I worried something would go wrong through my entire first trimester, as being a high risk pregnancy one cannot help it at times.

I talked to my baby.  I would rub my belly and boast about this miracle to everyone I met.  I wanted everyone to know I was pregnant.  It was something I never thought I would get to say.  I waited until the first trimester was done to announce it on social media though, because we wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Then I learned it was a boy.  What will he look like?  I sing to him.  I dream of what his personality will be like.  I think of scenarios and how I will react as a parent, how I should act.  I began to want more out of life.  I had a different meaning.  I now had meaning.  Will he be my best friend?  Will we work out together and play ball?  Will he love music, or will he be a rock climber?  Will he prefer to live a simple life or try and hike Mount Everest?  What can I do to do better for him?  I just want him to be a kind and loving human and get the most out of life; I don’t care what he wants to be, as long as he is a good person.

When I began to feel the first flutters and movement, I would hold my hand on my belly and imagine his little hand was inside holding mine too.  Everyone says I am carrying a baby, but this sweet child is carrying me.  I have been given a miracle in my life.  It restored my faith in ways I cannot quite explain.

If I ever feel alone, I close my eyes and let myself hear our heartbeats at the same time.  Although I may not actually hear them, I know they are beating together.  I know there are two beats now, and I realize my life now has a true rhythm.  I was playing my tune throughout my life, but solos can get old.  I have a more beautiful beat now, one from a tiny human who cannot even talk yet. .. but he plays my life’s song.

He is my purpose.  He has felt me shed tears, and he catches them for me.  He has felt me experience joy, and he flutters with me.  He has witnessed my smile from the inside and literally knows what my heart looks like.  He is my entire world.

As I sit here today, I weep at the thought of time.  I see my Daddy and realize how much he has aged.  I think of how my Memaw has been gone for nearly a decade.  Where does the time go?  How are my nieces and nephew growing so fast? How did I fit in newborn diapers at one point of my life?  Why do my parents have to get older?  How will I live without my Mama or Daddy one day?  Please God do not let anything happen to them.  I need them.  My son needs them.  My nieces and nephew need them.  They need my Mama to live a long, healthy life for them.  There is so much that floods my mind now, so many mixed emotions.  I see the value of life.  I see the unforgiving fate of time.  There is nothing we can do to stop it.

One day a few months from now, this little boy will not be inside of me- protected from the world.  I cannot wait to hold him and look into his eyes, to learn what his personality will be like, to see his accomplishments in life….. but at the same time, I want to protect and shelter him from the evils of the world.  There is so much to think about. My brain is in overload mode.

I wish I could freeze time.  I wish I could keep the ones I love around forever.  I wish my Memaw could be here to see me become a mother.  She would be overjoyed.  I wish every gift of life was cherished as a gift…. because they are all a gift.

As I sit here looking up at the clouds, I hope that no matter what happens in life- no matter what cards are handed, what events occur, or what adversity comes- I hope that my son has peace throughout his entire life.  Yes, there will be heartache. Yes, there will be victories.  Yes, I know he will experience hurt and happiness…. but I want him to have peace.  Life is truly lived and fulfilled when peace is in your heart.

I am so grateful for this blessing.  I am sure there are many more deserving than me, but whatever you desire in life please listen to me. NEVER give up hope.  Some people will tell you it’s foolish to have hope.  Some will laugh at “keeping the faith”.  Continue on doing it.  Keep it, feel it, lock that hope deep inside your soul and let the faith that gives you peace every day shine through.  It can help someone along the way too, and you do not even realize it.

I have been so humbled during this pregnancy.  I feel so much love from people, and I have no idea how I got so lucky. Please know how grateful I am.  My heart sings your praises, I vow to you.

Give thanks for your life.  Many lost theirs today.  Many lost someone they love today.  Many will not even have a chance to live a long life.  All we can do is wake up every day and live… but make sure we are actually living, not just breathing.  So often it seems we are just breathing and killing time.

On this day I am so thankful to be carrying my sweet son inside of me, but please know he is the one who is truly carrying me.

I may not have much, but I promise you I have more love in my heart for this child than there are waves in the ocean.

One of the regulars at work came in this afternoon, and as I shared how my Daddy helped me dye my hair I saw his face light up. He listened as I told a daughter and her father how my Pops helped me, and when we were through talking he walked up and began to share with me how his Dad passed away last April. As his eyes teared up, he said he still misses him every day. We both shared how we felt lucky to have good parents in life, but I cannot get over seeing that grown man weep over his father.

As I pondered throughout the rest of the work day, I could not help but know that one day I will not have my parents. How on earth would I make it every day without talk to my Mama? What would I do without getting that phone call each evening from my Papa just to see if I had a good day and was okay? As I get older, the inevitable truth of life stings more and more. I am scared. I am scared to lose either of them. It takes so much risk to love, because one day we will lose those people we love in life. … and one day, people will lose me.

About a week ago, Daddy brought up how he is forgetful these days. It is something we both know is happening, but we have not really talked about it much. I do not want to accept it. Daddy thinks about it, but he pushes it to the back of his mind so as not to dwell on it. As he talked of how his Mother had Alzheimer’s, I could see pain in his eyes. Will I one day feel the same pain as him? Will my Daddy go through the same road his Mama did? Am I worrying too much over something that does not exist? I would like to think so, but I do not know. I fear that the worrying is valid. As my voice cracked through fighting the tears that came anyway, I said to him, “Daddy, I do not want to think of a day when you do not know who I am. I do not ever want to think of that.” Age has softened his heart so much, and his words comforted me: “Honey, I would never forget who you are. My heart wouldn’t let me. And when my time comes to leave this world, I will be in Heaven waiting on you, your sister, my grandbabies…”   “Oh, Daddy”, I sighed. The tears streamed down my cheeks.

The greatest debate of life is a question that racks all of our brains. What happens when we die? Do we really get to see loved ones again? Is this it for our pets once they take their last breath on this earth? So many of us have different beliefs and opinions of what happens after death, yet no one fully knows the answer until they die. That is a lot to think about. My faith allows me the peace of mind in feeling that there is a place beyond our mortal flesh. To me, God is real. I feel that spirit. It is that voice of reason that tells me right from wrong and allows me to hold my actions accountable.

I just want to love the people I care about in my life to the very fullest. I know there are risks involved. I know that my heart will break if I lose any of those precious souls. Yet I need them. I need that love. I crave it in my life. Every human being in the world wants love. We were born to feel it. That is why it is such a powerful emotion. My parents are a love that I will have forever. It has been there since I was born, and they will never change their feelings towards me. It is sacred.

The love for a soulmate is a completely different type of love from family. It feels like fire, but the good kind of burn like a smooth shot of whiskey or a perfect hot tea with honey just before it is cool enough to drink. Daddy said true love should never hurt, though. He is right. There are hardships. There are disagreements. There are challenges that make your relationship or break it. Yet, when two people love each other, they will find a way to avoid the hurt. They will learn to work those barriers out, and they grow. To hurt the other hurts your own soul, so you both strive for understanding and growth if you truly are in love. I have learned that this is the greatest truth my Daddy ever told me, and he has taught me many.

We live life taking so many breaths and moments for granted. I have grown quite fond of learning to take my life day by day. The worry and stress I once possessed has been replaced with assurance and peace. I am not saying everything in my life is perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect, but how boring would that be? My soul is happy, because it is at peace. I have accepted what I cannot change in life. I have learned not to be too hard on myself, yet because of good parents I know how to hold myself accountable.

If there is anything in life I have learned to love doing, it is to let go of yesterday but value the memory, yet I have learned to live for today. Tomorrow may never come. I could be six feet under before the next six hours of sunlight come.

Never get tired of hearing “I love you” from someone who means it. At the same time, never assume someone knows you love them without saying it. Actions prove the part, but words warm the heart. Say it before it is too late. Tell the person you love exactly how you feel, as much as you can. It is so so so important. I wish I could bring my sweet Memaw back and tell her everything I feel, but luckily we always said I love you. We never let the sun go down with anger in our hearts, and those words she preached – but more importantly, practiced- still ring in my head. Make sure they know. Make sure they know what your heart feels.

If you are reading this, think about your life. Think of where you have came from, and think of where you have been. Now look at where you are now. We are not supposed to think of what we would change about the past. Instead, we are encouraged to refer to the past for guidelines on how to grow as a person and make better decisions, and we have to find that happiness that life is all about. It is there. It is not in a mortgage payment or a credit card, either.

Be the love that you want to get in life. Be that love. Give it out with your whole heart. I have found that the times in life that I have expressed kindness over anger have appeased my soul far more than letting the red flag rage. It is so much harder to be nice to someone when they are mean to you, but in reality I really see that those people need to see that sweet heart beat.

Whatever I do today, I want to wake up tomorrow and be a better person than I was today. Every day is one step closer to maintaining a state of nirvana with our souls. 

I recall my teenage years as I am laying here in bed tonight, trying to wind down my brain from all of today’s itinerary.  I was a rebellious soul by nature, although I was not too bad of a kid.  Where I failed the most was not realizing the value of my parents and their sacrifices, although I suppose that is more of a lesson you learn in time- as opposed to being considered failure.  With age comes wisdom, although I honestly feel like as we go through life, we learn that we know nothing at all in a sense.

I went to private school for a little while in middle school. I cannot emphasize the quality of the level of education I was fortunate enough to receive in attending this.  I did not realize this at all when I was attending.  A few months ago, I had talked to Mama and was wanting to see how much private school would be for Liam.  He is so smart, and I was just thinking of how cool it would be for him to receive what I feel is an even better education.  When I called around and was informed by most places that attending ranged anywhere from an average of $500-1,000 per month, depending on what school I called, I was astounded. I thought, how on earth did my Daddy pay for this when I was went to the academy? How did Mama and him manage to do that for me- and still make our bills and raise two kids with a middle-class income? My eyes teared up as I felt a sadness in knowing that I could not at this time give to Liam what my parents gave to me. Then I changed my perspective, and I thought of how damn lucky I was to have two parents sacrifice so much for me…. how on earth was I the kid to get so lucky, when there are so many other kids who probably would have appreciated this so much more than me when I was younger? Until my nephew and two nieces came around, I really would have never thought of this in the way I do now.  Kids change things, let me tell you.

Today I watched my oldest niece run around with her free little spirit that reminds us all so much of myself when I was a little girl.  I saw her smile light up my Mama’s face, and I closed my eyes and thought of the very same relationship my own Memaw and myself shared when she was living. A part of my soul cries inside due to the emptiness I have felt ever since she left. (I don’t normally say “ever since she died”, because to me she still lives vicariously in my life. I refuse to think she is truly dead or gone for good.)  The other part- my heart- feels a warmth in reliving the feeling of how much love we shared for one another. It stings, but it also strikes like a butterfly. When you lose someone, God is good and puts something else in your life to help get you through. That is what the kids did for me. Liam was born less than half a year before Memaw passed to the other side. God knew we would need him in our lives when we lost our rock. That is why my nephew is such a blessing to my soul.  I do not think I would have made it through losing Memaw, had he not been born.  He mended a piece of my heart and took the key to it along the way.  With age, comes wisdom. Children are the greatest mentors of life.

My Daddy was a loving father growing up, but he was also a man of discipline. He did not have to ever spank me.  His words held enough power to have my respect. He is a man of honesty and integrity, so at times things he said were not the most favored. Yet, looking back, I see that everything he ever told me or tried to show me was out of an act of love. Tough love, at times- but he never led me astray or told me wrong. Never. Seeing how he is with the kids, I have watched a stern and serious man transition into a giddy teddy bear known now as “Paw Paw”. Kids do something to a person. They bring out this reminiscence of the days of innocence for us adults. They are precious.

With age, I have witnessed an entirely different side of my parents. It was a side that was there the whole time. I see how much it costs to feed other mouths besides your own.  I see how selfless it is to think of little ones eating before you do, because you do not want to see them cry out of hunger or go without. I see how selfless it was every time they put a bottle in my mouth as a baby even though they had worked all day or were beyond the state of exhaustion. Yet they put me first. . . every time. I see how selfless they were to wear the same shoes for a few years in a row while I always had a closet full of everything I wanted but did not even need. I see how expensive it is to put shoes on kids’ feet and manage to do fun things with them as well. I see how much a tank of gas is and paying for an extra-curricular activity to keep them out of trouble and their focus on positive past-times. I see this all because of three little kids who have shown me everything.

I cry out from a grateful heart this evening.  I make mistakes every day. I probably fail more than I succeed in some ways.  But I try. I try every day. I see more and more with passing days how much my parents mean to me, how much they gave without expecting one single dime in return.

The phases of life are so different. Each stepping stone is toughing out a different current in the waters of life. We slip over some. We get bruised hopping to another one. We are scared to jump from some, because we can’t see what the next one looks like sometimes. We like knowing everything ahead of time, so fear sometimes keeps us from leaping to a stone that may be holding the best moss that would comfort the sole of our souls and give us exactly what we need- all because we cannot see it. Yet it is there. Waiting for us to take a leap.

There are lessons to life every day. There are people who can teach them- some who do it with intentions of providing you a moral, and others who guide you and inform you without even knowing they are doing so. My parents taught me so much intentionally, as most good parents just want to raise better humans and show their children how to be even better people than they were. Becoming an aunt, three little ones have taught me more than I could ever put in to words- yet they have no idea they have even done such. They think I teach them. It is really the other way around.

There are four words that I can tell you are certain in life: with age comes wisdom. Yet the oxymoron of it all is that the older I get, the more I realize how little I know at all.

What I do know is I am so thankful for the people who call me their daughter and Auntie B. That I know for sure.

Growing up, I had the best childhood I could have ever dreamed of. I see that now that I am an adult and learning that I know absolutely nothing about life- except for the fact that my parents are awesome superheroes.

They gave me love. They put their kids before themselves. They sacrificed so much to give us better lives, and quite frankly I am not sure how I got so lucky. I never realized the value of the example my Daddy set for me until adulthood. He set the standards high, and honestly I don’t think there is any other human who compares to the good soul that man is.

Daddy never laid a hand on me growing up. Seriously, I cannot think of a single time he put his hands on me, unless it was to hug me or get a strand of hair out of my face after ball practice. He always told me I had the prettiest eyes and prettiest smile of anyone he had ever seen besides my Mama. It still warms my heart to this day when he says things like that.

Daddy taught me what true love is. I always thought it was a fairy tale and that love would always be perfect. However, he was always honest with me- even when it hurt. He never lied to me growing up, and he barely ever raised his voice. When push came to shove, he was always unafraid to tell me what I needed to hear… even if I didn’t want to hear it. He did that because he truly loves me. Now I see that his example was because of his love for me. Someone who truly loves you is not going to sugarcoat everything all the time. They will challenge you, but they will do it lovingly. They will not yell at you are belittle you or question your morale. They will just be themselves and be up front with you. How special that sweet man I call my Daddy really is! I get it now. Everything he did for me was always out of love.

I have never met a man who worked as hard as my Daddy did. I feel like a lot of people in my generation do not even have a clue the kind of hard work he did- day in, day out- to give his family a good and happy life. He did it selflessly. I remember him always telling me, “Women should be treated like queens. They make the world go around. They carry children and burdens for everyone else, rarely thinking of themselves. You make sure that the man you fall in love with treats you like a queen. Don’t settle for less than that. Make sure he holds the door open for you and pays your way. You deserve to be treated like a queen.”

I am not a feminist. To each their own, but I am probably an old soul in my thought process. Maybe it is because of my sweet Daddy. Regardless, because of him I see my worth in life. I see that there are men alive who do see the weight a woman carries on her shoulders, because she is always carrying everyone else’s needs before her own. Mama always told me to walk with my head held high, but not with my nose stuck in the air. There is so much truth to that. Yet, the even balance from the example my father gave me reminds me to never settle for less that what I deserve. He said I am a good person and should be treated like one, and I as his daughter have an obligation to believe his words. He is the first man I ever fell in love with, and he is my precious Daddy.

I remember Daddy telling me that love should not hurt. Those words ring in my head, and there is so much truth to that. I wish I would have listened to him more growing up, but it all makes sense now. Listen to your parents. They have been there. They have walked in our shoes. They know far more than we could ever imagine in life.

I am so thankful for a man who raised the bar high and allowed me to see a positive reflection of myself when I look in the mirror throughout life. It is critical to make your children know their self-worth.

It is okay to have standards in life. It is okay to know what you deserve. It is okay to wait until you find what you dream of in life and make that dream a reality.

Be thankful for good examples that are set for you in life. Their influence will make perfect sense at some point, I promise. To my ladies, you are a queen. Find a king who treats you like one. 

I always thought I had all of the answers when I was younger. Then 18 rolled around, and I knew nothing but thought I knew it all. Five years later, my Memaw passed away and I would begin to flashback to things she told me growing up and realize that so much she had said truly made sense. In return, that also made me stop and realize that the things my parents told me probably held some pretty significant validations, as well.

Here I am, and I am 30 years old. I have lived a life full of love- more love than most could probably fathom. I have had so many people be there for me in times when I needed someone the most- all because they said “you would do the same for me, and you have before matter of fact.” Yet this year, I had to learn the hardest lesson I have ever learned in my life. I had to leave my comfort zone of ten years and chase dreams instead of settling for steady and guaranteed stability. By the way, stability does not always mean sanity. The two can be very different. Sometimes a stable environment can still possess negativity and be toxic for the soul.

There are so many apples from the tree of life that we can choose from. Some are sour. Some are beautiful on the outside, but the inside is purely rotten. Some don’t appear to be anything special, but one bite of it and you realize it is the most beautiful one you could have ever chosen. I know that my life passion is to help people. I am an Aquarius, and it is in my blood. It’s my nature. We like to live a life that feels as though you have made some kind of impact on others for the better of society. If I am not doing that, my soul does not feel fulfillment.

There have been so many signs leading me to chase my dreams. I refused to accept them, because I didn’t want to leave behind some that I loved with all my heart. Yet, I was told by my parents that those who truly care would understand and support me no matter what. I never knew that this would reveal that the support was not there from one I expected to have the most from. This was a heartbreaking lesson for me. This made me realize that you cannot live your life for other people. You cannot wake up every day to make someone else happy, because even though their happiness feels good to your soul…. at the end of the day, you must satisfy your own heart’s desires. To avoid doing so can lead to a void in the soul.

30 years later, and I am finally realizing that life doesn’t owe me a damn thing. People will NOT appreciate you in this life. Some will, but there are many who will not. They may know what you bring to the table, but pride and egos hinder them from admitting these utter truths they know are self-evident deep down in the pits of their gut. Just because you have to accept an apology you never get does not mean you are less than. It does not mean you didn’t go above and beyond the call of duty.

So many base their sense of worth or value on hearing words from another’s mouth instead of self-validation. Looking in the mirror and liking what you see is worth so much more than hearing words come from another person who may not even be backing it up with actions.

All of us on this earth have a heartbeat. We are all alive, but some of us are merely breathing. I was just breathing for so long. I was breathing for so long that it hurt. It hurt to feel so much for others and worry about everyone else except myself. I realize now that I am much more useful when I take care of myself because it allows me to better help others. No one is going to jump out to sea for you to make you live your life. Sadly, you will find that sometimes the ones you are there for the most will eventually hang you out to dry when you don’t put them first. It is a lesson that hurts the heart and leaves permanent scars on the soul.

The beauty of this hard lesson is that life goes on. Life goes on, and once you jump out to sea and learn to swim in all types of weather, you will find that some people are not going to be happy for you. When you are bubbly and running around sprinkling happy dust on the rest of the world, there are others who are miserable inside and just want to piss all over your parade. It is a harsh lesson to stomach, and it’s the toughest pill I have ever had to swallow.

The world will not always share a kind and pure heart. Honestly, a lot of the world will stomp all over it if you are not careful. Here’s the thing, though. Karma is real. Life truly is the same concept as a garden. You reap what you sew. You can water the seeds of others, and if they open their spirits to the sunlight you share with them, they will grow too. They will be able to shade others when life gets too hot, and they will also be able to spread seeds of love so that the world can be a better place. On the contrary, there are some who will react in the opposite sense. You can try and help them sew a garden of fulfillment and grace, but their insides won’t allow this progression. This is not your battle to fight. This is not your burden to bear. What other people think of you truly is none of your business.

I don’t know much of anything these days, but here is what I do know. Life is hard. It is so much harder than I thought, and the other I get the harder life becomes. It’s all in how we handle it, though. At the end of the day, I have so much more love in my life than I have negativity. I can promise you too that it is best to follow your gut. Chase the dream. The Big Man will provide, I promise. Do not settle. Yet, do not envy someone else who is chasing their dreams if you are not. You are in control of your ship, and it it no one’s fault but your own if you are not happy with where you are in life. Change is hard, but it is necessary for growth. No great success ever came without failures along the way. Read Steve Harvey’s book Jump, and you will see what I mean.

I hope this inspires you to make this a life worth living, and not one where you are merely breathing. 

I have thought of you my entire life. When I look in the mirror, there are often times I wonder if you may be looking back at me. Before Memaw died, I would sometimes feel like there was someone with me- someone I knew so well, but yet I had never met. I like to think that was you. Now I get to share another joy that brings peace to my heart when I see Memaw in my dreams. I shared my entire life with her until I was 23 and she flew away; now you get to spend eternity with her forever. I envy you for that, but I know I will see her again. I also know I will get to meet you. 

Although everyone refers to me as the firstborn, that is actually not the case. My sweet Mama has always had pregnancy struggles. Joni dealt with the same genetics when she gave birth to Liam three months prematurely. Nearly half a decade before I was born into the world, my Mama gave birth to a blue eyed and dark haired girl by the name of Erica. It was Mama’s very firstborn. I always loved when Mama would tell stories of holding any of us when we were born, but to this day I can see the sadness in her eyes when she speaks of Erica. It defies the laws of nature for a parent to lose their child. Unless you have experienced it firsthand, you will never know the pain. I pray you never do. No parent should ever have to bury a child.

Mama always says that I looked so much like Erica when I was born. She had darker hair though, so when I imagine what she would have looked like I picture a girl with crystal blue eyes just like mine but with cold, black hair. How beautiful she must have been. How lovely she would be as a grown woman. I wonder if she would have had the same smile Mama and I share?

Mama has been through so much in life. She is such a strong woman for all she has endured. She loves fiercely- the kind of love that can scare the hell out of someone because it is so genuine, but you can’t push it away because it is so genuine. I recall her opening up to me one night when I was a teenager after looking at some of my baby pictures. She began crying and said they were tears of joy, because God let her have me. She said she was so thankful, because losing Erica just crushed her. I somewhat rekindled a flame in her soul that had burnt out when sweet Erica passed away. Erica only got to experience 8 hours of life on this earth before she flew on to Heaven. She would enter the pearly gates from my Mama’s arms. I think that is why my Mama’s hugs are always so angelic.

I have always felt like I do not resemble many in our family. So many people say I look like Mama, and while we do share the same big-shaped eyes and charming smiles, I favor Eric (our biological father) so much. There are times when my mind will draw up a mental image of what you may have looked like, and I smile because I can tell that you are my sister. 

I am not much of a jealous person in this life, but I have to be honest with you. Although you only got to be held my our Mama for a short amount of hours, I envy you. Maybe you envy me too, because I am here with our Mother. I do not know your take on the matter.

I envy that you do not have to struggle where you are. You don’t have to deal with emotional or physical stress. You do not know the meaning of the word pain. You do not know what it is like to have someone who is supposed to be a true friend and mentor stab you in the back. You do not know what heartbreak is. Where you are at, there is an eternal light and there is constant peace and harmony. Your vocal chords can never grow weary from sickness or a cough. You do not have sadness. You have never known anything but absolute joy. 

Although I shared life with our Memaw on this earth and was her pride and joy, you were the first to see her in Heaven. You are the one who witnessed her walk through those pearly gates and gain her angelic wings. I held her hand as she lay there sick and dying, gasping for her very last breath. I watched as the doctors took her off of life support, and I screamed out in a pain I have to this day never known again, as I was forced to let the love of my life go- and yet you get to skip rocks in Beulah Land over waters that nothing I have fished on this earth can compare to. You do not know the heartbreak of watching someone you love so much grow old and become helpless. You did not have to pick her up when she fell to the ground in tears, because she was growing older with every passing day. 

I envy you, because you did not have to witness the heartbreak of addiction with family. When Mama and my Daddy split up, it tore my world apart. The man I call my Daddy would have raised you, too- I know he would have. Maybe you envy me for the fact that you do not know him. I am not certain. I don’t think it is possible to envy another in Heaven. However, I envy you because you do not know what it feels like to have a perfect life torn apart by the loss of love. I envy you, because you have never known what it is like to fall out of the will of God. It is so hard to get back on track. I envy you, because you never had to watch our sister battle addiction. It is a heartbreak so many know and should not. I envy you, because where you are drugs do not exist. They have taken so many that I love. 

I envy you, because you do not have to acknowledge the fact that with love comes great risks. I love people with every fiber in my soul. I love my dog with all my heart. Jada is my best friend. Yet one day, all of these people I love- and my sweet Jada- will return to the dust of the earth, as well. So shall I. You will never know the heartache of loss, because where you are there is no pain. There are no tears in Heaven, so you cannot possibly know what it is like to mourn. 

I envy you, because you do not have to step up and be the responsible kid. You are in a land where there is freedom, but it is so pure. There is no sin where you live, and the mountains and oceans you have seen have not been polluted by human hands. There is no toxicity in your city. Yet where I am, our fellow men kill one another and treat the soil we put our feet on with the same respect as a toilet wand. 

I envy you, because where you are a pure heart is admired and understood. Yet here, people are so egotistical and self-consumed that they strive to manipulate a loving heart. God would never take advantage of a single soul, yet man will be given an inch and take off with beyond a mile. Why is that, dear sister? You are there with God. I do not question him, but there is no much on this earth that is not understood. 

I envy you, because you have never had to make a mistake and repent for it. Here I am on this earth, and I sin every day. All of us down here do. You are immortal, and I am a mortal soul. I have a death date, and you are an eternal being. I know I will be one in time as well, but my mind races with all I want to accomplish on this earth. I oftentimes fear I will not get it all done. 

You have never had to cry from seeing an old lady in a grocery store who can barely push a cart out to her car, and you weep because she is alone and must carry those in by herself when she gets home. You have never lived in a world where we call the homeless “beggars” like they have some kind of plague, yet no one takes the time to even stop and hear their stories. You never had to live in a world where more heroin addictions happen daily than stopping to give thanks at the dinner table with family. You do not have to live in a world where cell phones have replaced intimacy. The man you see every day is the almighty God the Father, so you have only known the truest example there is to mankind. The only true God-fearing man I know in my heart on this earth is my Daddy, and I am so thankful that God gave me him as an example. I wonder if you had a hand in that? I bet you did. You little stinker. 

I envy you, because you can see me…. but I can’t see you. I cannot look into your eyes and see myself staring back at me. My heart tells me we would have resembled so much. Do you like to sing? Do you love music as much as Mama and the rest of us? 

You know this envy I hold is not in vein. I have no ill regards towards you whatsoever, and my heart holds nothing but love and longing for the day I get to see you. Will you kiss our dear Memaw for me and tell her thank you for visiting me in a dream the night before Mama’s surgery? She gave me a very strong heads up of what was to come the next day, and it still blows my mind how much of a spiritual connection I have with her although she has flown on. I bet you have a part in that, too. I know you see us, yet I realize it is probably in a filtered sense- because there is no pain in Heaven. If you saw the hurt we all feel on this cold earth at times, it would pain you. So maybe you can only see us but not hear anything. I am unsure. I do not know what it is like where you are, but when I am outdoors climbing a mountain or standing by the river holding a fishing pole- I imagine that is a teeny bit close to a glimpse. 

Ask God to let us be pen pals, and send me a letter sometime. 

I love you, firstborn. You will always be the first beauty our sweet Mama held. I do not ever wish to try and fill that spot. You already did when you showed Mama unconditional love by being the first one she gave life to. See you on the other side. 

I have seen it all too many times… parents using their kids as leverage during a separation, or one of the two trying to turn the children against the other parent. It is all so wrong. In the end, the only ones truly hurting are the most innocent- the children.

My parents separated a couple of years after I graduated high school. It was so unexpected. My sister saw it coming long before I ever did. I moved out at 19. I was living on my own and being a total teenager. I always worked and paid my bills, but I was not home to see my Mama drifting further and further from Daddy. My sister was still living at home, and for years I carried the guilt of blaming myself for Mama and Daddy separating- because Mama cried every night when I moved out. She missed me so much.

I look back at pictures of us when we were little. There are so many good memories. There was so much love in our childhood, and we really did not want for a single thing. We had more love in our family than a resort hotel full of honeymooners could hold. What a blessing my childhood was. I would go back any second for eternity if I was given the chance. When we become adults, we lose that innocence and vibrant spirit of a child. We complicate everything- and for what? Wrinkles? Heartache? Ulcers? Worry? Loss of faith?

It took me years to truly appreciate just how my parents handled separating from one another. It was so hard in the beginning. My sister and I dealt with it in different ways. What is a kid to do when their whole world changes and seems to fall apart over night? You spend hours, days, months, even years wondering what you did wrong for your parents to fall out of love. Should I have stayed home? Was I wrong for moving out like every other kid does when they graduate high school? How did I miss all of this? Was this my fault for not going to church anymore like I was raised to do? Is God mad at me?

I grew bitter at God instead of drawing closer for a better relationship with Him. It took a long time to resolve that. I had to learn some very hard lessons and realize that my faith could not be put in man, but instead it had to be in God. It would take a long time to tell all of that, but just trust me.

I have friends who have kids and are separated. I cringe when the other parent talks badly of them to their child. I think of how my Mama and Daddy never spoke a cross word of the other one to my sister and I. I think of how my Mama had her brother let Daddy live with them for a while when he needed a place while we found a home together. I think of how my Daddy is heading home this very minute, because my Mama had surgery today.

I think of how my parents talk to each other every day. They communicate openly, and they seem to be there for the other when times are tough or even to celebrate any victories. Mama always looks out for Daddy with work and makes sure he doesn’t get taken advantage of, because he is too nice at times; Daddy always reminds Mama that she is the strongest woman he knows- and tougher than most men.

The first few years of them separating were so tough during holidays, but after an awkward period of time we now manage to get together and celebrate those times… for old times’ sake. There are too many memories from the past to reminisce on to not to be together during the holidays.

My happiness is because of the fact that my parents love my sister and I so much. They put aside their differences and because of us, they continued to express their love for us by still loving each other– even if that meant they are not together in an intimate relationship anymore.

Daddy brings diapers for the kids, and Mama came and changed my whole-house water filter since Daddy was out of town. They do not have a label to their parenting such as “divorced” or “we hate each other”. Instead, they are truly non-denominational in how they parent together.

Because of how my Daddy treats my Mama, I see a perfect example of how a man should treat a woman. Because of how my Mama treats my Daddy, I see how a woman should treat a man. I see how a woman is the heart of a household, and the man is the head. One cannot function without the other.

If you are separated but share a child or children with someone, do not allow that to mean things have fallen apart. The pieces can fit together if you both make the effort to co-exist. Be the people you should have been together, apart. Be that example for your kids. Be selfless so your children are not taught to be selfish. Think of their heart strings instead of playing to your own beat. They need you. Both of you.

Some people are better together, but apart. The greatest love you can give your child is to love the person you share them with.

 

When Liam was little, he would say things in relation to Memaw that kind of shocked Mama and I. He was only 5 months old when Memaw passed away. There is no way he would remember her…..

We like to think she was visiting him. Children see what we cannot, because their hearts are so pure and innocent.

Last night, Lynix went to my room after we got in from saying some heart wrenching goodbyes. She grabbed this little dude my Memaw made for me when I was a baby. Keep in mind Lynix ONLY refers to my Mama as “gah-ma” or “nana”. (Mama can totally vouch for that.) Daddy and I watched as she smiled and giggled, then hugged it and said, “maw-maw.”

She sat for about five minutes just talking to it and laughing. I was too choked up to even grab my phone and film it. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. When she was done talking to it she smiled, looked up at the ceiling and winked, then said “luh you maw-maw.”

Those who have flown on before us never stop guiding our own journeys. They help us along the way so we can earn our wings, too.

The darkest hour is just before dawn.

(Photo credit: Andrew Jacke)

Time is never enough. We are always living off of “borrowed time”, yet how can we repay something that isn’t even ours to keep forever?

As I sat outside of the cabin last night in the open light of the Snow Moon’s path by the barns, I thought of how the Native Americans named all of the moons years back. They truly listened to Mother Nature, and so much of the Earth’s cycles dictated all of their actions. They were so obedient to the free teachings given daily by the universe. Here we sit today with our cell phones, tablets, and computers….. and we seem to think we know it all.

Moving to a place unfamiliar to you where you know no one can be a bit intimidating. However, everything in life is all about perspective. As I look up at this moon tonight, I am filled with so many thoughts on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The coyotes are under this same moon as I am tonight. They will come off the mountain into this very valley where I stand, and they will shred the skin of a victim if they have a chance, devouring its flesh until nothing but bones are left for display. However, they won’t do it alone. They will be in a pack. Birds of a feather flock together. Their behavior, and the actions of all creatures for that matter, is so relative to life. We really do attract what we reflect in our environment. If we prey on others and feed off of instilling fear in those around us, we will attract other beings who live life as vultures as well- hiding in the daylight, yet trying not to block the dark shadows that we have allowed our souls to become.

Then there are the chickens. They are smart enough to roost at night, yet many are completely content with where they are in life and want nothing more than pecking feed and laying eggs from day to day. Others are, however, ignorant enough to step out into the view of the hawk when the grapes fall to the ground, and if they are not careful their life will end quicker than we can blink both of our eyes. If some of them had stayed content with what they had, they wouldn’t have went looking for better food on the other side. On the contrary, some take that leap of faith for greener grass, and they make it scratch-free with nothing but some ruffled feathers along the way. Such is life. Some go looking for better and it doesn’t appear to be there, yet some of us know there is more to acquire and risk it all for the sake of gaining a brighter tomorrow. How do we divide the two? None of us have crystal balls telling us it will all be worth the blood, sweat, and tears. None of us have a fairy saying “wear waterproof mascara, because this one is going to be a hurricane… but there’s a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end.”

Down below where I stood outside in the outline of the beauty of these mountains I love, I looked out away from where the moonlight shined on my mortal soul. I saw nothing but a pitch black outline of mountaintops of various angles. I shifted my eyes to the lower field and listened as one of the horses said its goodnight prayers to the mules who protected them. I thought of how stubborn mules are- much like many of us. However, those two mules in that field protect four or more horses every day of their life. They are underestimated, but they are stronger than you could ever possibly imagine. They would give their life to protect what is theirs, and they wouldn’t think twice about it. I thought of how I would do that for anyone I loved, and I would do it wanting nothing in return but gratitude. “How different are those mules from the coyotes”, I whispered in my mind. The mules will stand with others, yet they don’t need anyone for back-up to stand alone either.

Above my head and in the distance, I can tell the time of night by the hoot of the owl.  He is out and warning the land of the approaching darkness at the same exact time every evening. This must be one of the ways our ancestors told time here in these mountains. The owl stands alone, and he doesn’t seem to talk much. He is observant, much like my Scorpio father who learns so much in life from his silence and ability to listen. I admire those owls so much. They do not fear the unknown, for they stand up top through it all and share their wisdom to all who will listen. The owl can see much farther than we do, and because he opens his eyes to vaster distances he never goes hungry. He does not settle for tunnel vision.

The wildcat is somewhere around me. I can feel her watching, but I will probably never see her any time soon. Her silky fur glistens in the daylight, and of the night her green eyes are the only window that allows you to see she exists. She will slice anything in her path just as quickly as her eyes can seduce someone. I thought of how so many people can appear to be so beautiful on the outside, but on the inside they are just tenderized and rotten flesh. We cannot allow ourselves to become that. That wildcat started as an innocent newborn, but her surroundings and the ways of the world caused her to fend for herself…. and she turned cold. That did not have to be her destiny.

Underneath that tobacco barn is the copperhead. He has no preference on who to strike and will have no mercy on whoever steps on his path. He is not the type to share and will die alone because of that very reason. He can shed his skin and appear to be the very person he is truly not, so one can easily be fooled. However, he will bring an enemy to his knees with the poison he possesses from within. His venom is so deadly, and whoever he injects with his negativity won’t have any time to rid of it. How many snakes are in our lives? I thought of times I had been betrayed and luckily made it through the venomous trails, and somehow I hadn’t let my heart wither away and stop beating yet. Instead, love from within allowed me to repel that toxicity. Maybe it was because I had experienced so much love from others in my life. Perhaps someone who doesn’t know what love truly is wouldn’t have the anti-venom to battle a snake in life. That makes loving others so much more relevant. We have to build one another up, lest we tear each other down. Words can be our anti-drugs to lift each other up, or they can be that same venom as spewed from the serpent of the ground.

As I head back up from closing the side barn up for the evening, I am followed by my most loyal companion- known to humans as a dog. Jada’s eyes glow in the night, and she has been so patient as I admired this moon and all of my surroundings. She let me ponder on how generously the birds save the night time for other creatures, such as the grasshoppers and frogs, to sing- as they are given all of the daylight hours to perform as a choir every day. So many would try to steal that spotlight throughout the night, but the birds do not. That must be where respect was born, and their wings must have evolved because of that factor. The ego is never the amigo.

Perhaps my ancestors will instruct me on how to hunt off of this land. I am doing my best to listen to their guidance from within.

There is so much to be learned from what is around us. Sure, the thousands of dollars we spend in school are educational, but my darling please listen to me. The most valuable lessons we can learn are from the very dust of the Earth, where our precious bodies were created. God returns our flesh back to that soil in due time, but until then we are reaping the seeds of our souls and sewing our own paths in life. Whether they become thorns or blossom is completely up to us.

Sometimes it is best to simply be still. What a beautiful and spiritual lesson I had outside in my yard last night. The moon can light the way just as brightly as the sun. Listen to the silence. You will be surprised what all you hear.

I wanted to be the first to tell you happy birthday, although I know you’re no longer on this earth. I wanted to say I’m sorry for the times you wanted to braid my hair at night so it would be nice and wavy the next day “in case I met my future husband.” You were always trying to set me up with your doctor or that preacher’s boy. You sure thought I hung the moon.

The truth is, I failed you. I spent my entire life wrapped around your neck and adored every single thing about you, but when I grew up I was young and dumb and started spending more time running the roads than just soaking in the simple pleasures of life that you instilled in me.

I want you to know I quit beating myself up for that though. I now see the beauty in myself that you always did. I recognize my flaws, but I now see a pretty smile when I look in the mirror.

I wanted to thank you for always making sure my hair was braided perfectly for every game. Thank you for surprising me with a stylist when I was on Sweetheart Court. Thank you for every single picture you took, because now I have all of these trails of memories.

Thank you for buying walkie talkies so I could talk to that first love.

Thank you for all the breakfasts that tasted better than any restaurant ever has…. I now know what it means to eat food “made with love.”

Thank you for teaching me how to see the best in everyone, and because of you I can see the best in myself- even when I make mistakes.

It is because of you that I went back to school. I’m sorry I didn’t take that scholarship when you begged me to, but I wanted to be close with you too when Mama and Daddy split. I knew you needed me, and even though I went off track for a while I still had you at the end of the day to kiss my forehead as I fell to sleep in that warm bed beside you. I will never forget those days.

The world got colder when you left. You always warned me that harder days were coming. Nothing has been easy since you left, and I’m not going to lie- your birthday is a very hard day for us all. Yet because of your love and selflessness in this life, we are able to set aside our selfish ways to focus on celebrating your memory.

I will cry. I am crying right now as I write this. I am overfilled with sadness of your being gone, joy at the thought of your memory and gratefulness because of what you instilled in your family and the legacy you left behind.

My hero isn’t a celebrity. It isn’t some corporate businessman. Did I ever tell you you’re my hero? You’re everything I wish I could be. I can fly higher than an eagle, ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

I will soar with you one day, because you know I’ve always been a free spirit. That’s how I know you have wings…. because you know my feet have never fully stayed on the ground, and I know you’re waiting for me to join you so our spirits can fly.

I miss you more every single day. I thank God he let me be with you when you took your very last breath. You breathed life into every single one of us.

Happy birthday Memaw. I’ll see you on the other side. I promise when I do there won’t be a second I don’t spend with you. 💜

Thank you for teaching me how to be a real and strong woman who loves fiercely. You are everything beautiful. Kiss Aunt Dean for me, and tell Papaw I’ll be there to out-fish him one day. I hope you and him are tearing up that dance floor like you always did down here.