A few years back, I remember that visit to the OBGYN.  I was one of those women who was told she would not be able to have children.  I remember the tears, the agony, the heartache I felt deep inside.  I remember pulling over on the parkway to gather my composure so that I could return to work and function throughout the day to get my job done.  I remember the questions racing through my mind.

Why me, God?  There are so many who do not want children yet have them. There are so many who do have them yet are not there for them, or are out running the streets instead of being a parent to their child.  What karma is this for me? Am I not worthy? Am I cursed?  What is so wrong with me that so many of my friends can be parents and I never will?  

I was that girl.  I was devastated.  It took some time to really accept those words that repeated through my head daily from my doctor.  They haunted me.  I began to focus my energy on school and my education, and I grew to look at my nephew and two nieces as the closest I would ever get to being a mother.  Man, do I love those three kids.  I always will.  The void inside of me still remained, however.  I longed to have a child call me their mother.

As time passed, I rejoiced at the gift of life through my friends.  I celebrated them becoming mothers.  They all were so deserving of that title.  They are amazing women.  I watched my mother raise my sister’s kids and wondered how on earth I could ever compare to her as a mother, anyway.  Pretty sure no one can fill her shoes.

Some nights when I got home, I would hug my dog and just lay on the porch with her, grateful I could be her mom.  I would lay on the hammock as tears poured down my face, praying that my sister would get her life right so my nephew and nieces could have the mom they deserve.  I would try not to question God, but I would ache so badly at wondering why life threw me these cards.  I struggled to be optimistic about it all.  It was so hard at times.  I was not getting any younger.

Time marches on, and I met someone.  Something clicked, and I finally opened up my heart after many years of keeping it locked behind a steel wall.

I knew I would never be a mother, but in the back of my mind I always had hope.

Life does not always go as planned.  Although I dreamed of being a mother, I always wanted to be married, own a home and have my career going.  Apparently life had other plans for me, at a time when I least expected it.

I was walking through Ingles one day and went to the restroom. Although I hate public bathrooms, when nature calls we all know you must answer.  As I went into the bathroom, the smell literally made me want to vomit.  I walked out and ran to Daddy and my partner and said “Guys, we have GOT to keep walking.  The smell of that bathroom is going to make me puke.”  My boobs had been hurting lately, and after a few comments from the two men I loved I decided to go get a couple of pregnancy tests.  I knew there was no way, though. I was convinced I had the flu and was about to have my period instead.

I will never forget that day in April.

I took both tests and fell to my knees in the bathroom.  They were positive.  There is no way this could be real.  I still was not convinced.  I told Heath, and as we hugged I still had doubt that this could not be real.

As I went to the doctor a few days later, I was told that I was in fact pregnant.  I cannot explain to you all of the emotions I felt in that moment.  I worried something would go wrong through my entire first trimester, as being a high risk pregnancy one cannot help it at times.

I talked to my baby.  I would rub my belly and boast about this miracle to everyone I met.  I wanted everyone to know I was pregnant.  It was something I never thought I would get to say.  I waited until the first trimester was done to announce it on social media though, because we wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Then I learned it was a boy.  What will he look like?  I sing to him.  I dream of what his personality will be like.  I think of scenarios and how I will react as a parent, how I should act.  I began to want more out of life.  I had a different meaning.  I now had meaning.  Will he be my best friend?  Will we work out together and play ball?  Will he love music, or will he be a rock climber?  Will he prefer to live a simple life or try and hike Mount Everest?  What can I do to do better for him?  I just want him to be a kind and loving human and get the most out of life; I don’t care what he wants to be, as long as he is a good person.

When I began to feel the first flutters and movement, I would hold my hand on my belly and imagine his little hand was inside holding mine too.  Everyone says I am carrying a baby, but this sweet child is carrying me.  I have been given a miracle in my life.  It restored my faith in ways I cannot quite explain.

If I ever feel alone, I close my eyes and let myself hear our heartbeats at the same time.  Although I may not actually hear them, I know they are beating together.  I know there are two beats now, and I realize my life now has a true rhythm.  I was playing my tune throughout my life, but solos can get old.  I have a more beautiful beat now, one from a tiny human who cannot even talk yet. .. but he plays my life’s song.

He is my purpose.  He has felt me shed tears, and he catches them for me.  He has felt me experience joy, and he flutters with me.  He has witnessed my smile from the inside and literally knows what my heart looks like.  He is my entire world.

As I sit here today, I weep at the thought of time.  I see my Daddy and realize how much he has aged.  I think of how my Memaw has been gone for nearly a decade.  Where does the time go?  How are my nieces and nephew growing so fast? How did I fit in newborn diapers at one point of my life?  Why do my parents have to get older?  How will I live without my Mama or Daddy one day?  Please God do not let anything happen to them.  I need them.  My son needs them.  My nieces and nephew need them.  They need my Mama to live a long, healthy life for them.  There is so much that floods my mind now, so many mixed emotions.  I see the value of life.  I see the unforgiving fate of time.  There is nothing we can do to stop it.

One day a few months from now, this little boy will not be inside of me- protected from the world.  I cannot wait to hold him and look into his eyes, to learn what his personality will be like, to see his accomplishments in life….. but at the same time, I want to protect and shelter him from the evils of the world.  There is so much to think about. My brain is in overload mode.

I wish I could freeze time.  I wish I could keep the ones I love around forever.  I wish my Memaw could be here to see me become a mother.  She would be overjoyed.  I wish every gift of life was cherished as a gift…. because they are all a gift.

As I sit here looking up at the clouds, I hope that no matter what happens in life- no matter what cards are handed, what events occur, or what adversity comes- I hope that my son has peace throughout his entire life.  Yes, there will be heartache. Yes, there will be victories.  Yes, I know he will experience hurt and happiness…. but I want him to have peace.  Life is truly lived and fulfilled when peace is in your heart.

I am so grateful for this blessing.  I am sure there are many more deserving than me, but whatever you desire in life please listen to me. NEVER give up hope.  Some people will tell you it’s foolish to have hope.  Some will laugh at “keeping the faith”.  Continue on doing it.  Keep it, feel it, lock that hope deep inside your soul and let the faith that gives you peace every day shine through.  It can help someone along the way too, and you do not even realize it.

I have been so humbled during this pregnancy.  I feel so much love from people, and I have no idea how I got so lucky. Please know how grateful I am.  My heart sings your praises, I vow to you.

Give thanks for your life.  Many lost theirs today.  Many lost someone they love today.  Many will not even have a chance to live a long life.  All we can do is wake up every day and live… but make sure we are actually living, not just breathing.  So often it seems we are just breathing and killing time.

On this day I am so thankful to be carrying my sweet son inside of me, but please know he is the one who is truly carrying me.

I may not have much, but I promise you I have more love in my heart for this child than there are waves in the ocean.