I recall my teenage years as I am laying here in bed tonight, trying to wind down my brain from all of today’s itinerary.  I was a rebellious soul by nature, although I was not too bad of a kid.  Where I failed the most was not realizing the value of my parents and their sacrifices, although I suppose that is more of a lesson you learn in time- as opposed to being considered failure.  With age comes wisdom, although I honestly feel like as we go through life, we learn that we know nothing at all in a sense.

I went to private school for a little while in middle school. I cannot emphasize the quality of the level of education I was fortunate enough to receive in attending this.  I did not realize this at all when I was attending.  A few months ago, I had talked to Mama and was wanting to see how much private school would be for Liam.  He is so smart, and I was just thinking of how cool it would be for him to receive what I feel is an even better education.  When I called around and was informed by most places that attending ranged anywhere from an average of $500-1,000 per month, depending on what school I called, I was astounded. I thought, how on earth did my Daddy pay for this when I was went to the academy? How did Mama and him manage to do that for me- and still make our bills and raise two kids with a middle-class income? My eyes teared up as I felt a sadness in knowing that I could not at this time give to Liam what my parents gave to me. Then I changed my perspective, and I thought of how damn lucky I was to have two parents sacrifice so much for me…. how on earth was I the kid to get so lucky, when there are so many other kids who probably would have appreciated this so much more than me when I was younger? Until my nephew and two nieces came around, I really would have never thought of this in the way I do now.  Kids change things, let me tell you.

Today I watched my oldest niece run around with her free little spirit that reminds us all so much of myself when I was a little girl.  I saw her smile light up my Mama’s face, and I closed my eyes and thought of the very same relationship my own Memaw and myself shared when she was living. A part of my soul cries inside due to the emptiness I have felt ever since she left. (I don’t normally say “ever since she died”, because to me she still lives vicariously in my life. I refuse to think she is truly dead or gone for good.)  The other part- my heart- feels a warmth in reliving the feeling of how much love we shared for one another. It stings, but it also strikes like a butterfly. When you lose someone, God is good and puts something else in your life to help get you through. That is what the kids did for me. Liam was born less than half a year before Memaw passed to the other side. God knew we would need him in our lives when we lost our rock. That is why my nephew is such a blessing to my soul.  I do not think I would have made it through losing Memaw, had he not been born.  He mended a piece of my heart and took the key to it along the way.  With age, comes wisdom. Children are the greatest mentors of life.

My Daddy was a loving father growing up, but he was also a man of discipline. He did not have to ever spank me.  His words held enough power to have my respect. He is a man of honesty and integrity, so at times things he said were not the most favored. Yet, looking back, I see that everything he ever told me or tried to show me was out of an act of love. Tough love, at times- but he never led me astray or told me wrong. Never. Seeing how he is with the kids, I have watched a stern and serious man transition into a giddy teddy bear known now as “Paw Paw”. Kids do something to a person. They bring out this reminiscence of the days of innocence for us adults. They are precious.

With age, I have witnessed an entirely different side of my parents. It was a side that was there the whole time. I see how much it costs to feed other mouths besides your own.  I see how selfless it is to think of little ones eating before you do, because you do not want to see them cry out of hunger or go without. I see how selfless it was every time they put a bottle in my mouth as a baby even though they had worked all day or were beyond the state of exhaustion. Yet they put me first. . . every time. I see how selfless they were to wear the same shoes for a few years in a row while I always had a closet full of everything I wanted but did not even need. I see how expensive it is to put shoes on kids’ feet and manage to do fun things with them as well. I see how much a tank of gas is and paying for an extra-curricular activity to keep them out of trouble and their focus on positive past-times. I see this all because of three little kids who have shown me everything.

I cry out from a grateful heart this evening.  I make mistakes every day. I probably fail more than I succeed in some ways.  But I try. I try every day. I see more and more with passing days how much my parents mean to me, how much they gave without expecting one single dime in return.

The phases of life are so different. Each stepping stone is toughing out a different current in the waters of life. We slip over some. We get bruised hopping to another one. We are scared to jump from some, because we can’t see what the next one looks like sometimes. We like knowing everything ahead of time, so fear sometimes keeps us from leaping to a stone that may be holding the best moss that would comfort the sole of our souls and give us exactly what we need- all because we cannot see it. Yet it is there. Waiting for us to take a leap.

There are lessons to life every day. There are people who can teach them- some who do it with intentions of providing you a moral, and others who guide you and inform you without even knowing they are doing so. My parents taught me so much intentionally, as most good parents just want to raise better humans and show their children how to be even better people than they were. Becoming an aunt, three little ones have taught me more than I could ever put in to words- yet they have no idea they have even done such. They think I teach them. It is really the other way around.

There are four words that I can tell you are certain in life: with age comes wisdom. Yet the oxymoron of it all is that the older I get, the more I realize how little I know at all.

What I do know is I am so thankful for the people who call me their daughter and Auntie B. That I know for sure.