I have thought of you my entire life. When I look in the mirror, there are often times I wonder if you may be looking back at me. Before Memaw died, I would sometimes feel like there was someone with me- someone I knew so well, but yet I had never met. I like to think that was you. Now I get to share another joy that brings peace to my heart when I see Memaw in my dreams. I shared my entire life with her until I was 23 and she flew away; now you get to spend eternity with her forever. I envy you for that, but I know I will see her again. I also know I will get to meet you. 

Although everyone refers to me as the firstborn, that is actually not the case. My sweet Mama has always had pregnancy struggles. Joni dealt with the same genetics when she gave birth to Liam three months prematurely. Nearly half a decade before I was born into the world, my Mama gave birth to a blue eyed and dark haired girl by the name of Erica. It was Mama’s very firstborn. I always loved when Mama would tell stories of holding any of us when we were born, but to this day I can see the sadness in her eyes when she speaks of Erica. It defies the laws of nature for a parent to lose their child. Unless you have experienced it firsthand, you will never know the pain. I pray you never do. No parent should ever have to bury a child.

Mama always says that I looked so much like Erica when I was born. She had darker hair though, so when I imagine what she would have looked like I picture a girl with crystal blue eyes just like mine but with cold, black hair. How beautiful she must have been. How lovely she would be as a grown woman. I wonder if she would have had the same smile Mama and I share?

Mama has been through so much in life. She is such a strong woman for all she has endured. She loves fiercely- the kind of love that can scare the hell out of someone because it is so genuine, but you can’t push it away because it is so genuine. I recall her opening up to me one night when I was a teenager after looking at some of my baby pictures. She began crying and said they were tears of joy, because God let her have me. She said she was so thankful, because losing Erica just crushed her. I somewhat rekindled a flame in her soul that had burnt out when sweet Erica passed away. Erica only got to experience 8 hours of life on this earth before she flew on to Heaven. She would enter the pearly gates from my Mama’s arms. I think that is why my Mama’s hugs are always so angelic.

I have always felt like I do not resemble many in our family. So many people say I look like Mama, and while we do share the same big-shaped eyes and charming smiles, I favor Eric (our biological father) so much. There are times when my mind will draw up a mental image of what you may have looked like, and I smile because I can tell that you are my sister. 

I am not much of a jealous person in this life, but I have to be honest with you. Although you only got to be held my our Mama for a short amount of hours, I envy you. Maybe you envy me too, because I am here with our Mother. I do not know your take on the matter.

I envy that you do not have to struggle where you are. You don’t have to deal with emotional or physical stress. You do not know the meaning of the word pain. You do not know what it is like to have someone who is supposed to be a true friend and mentor stab you in the back. You do not know what heartbreak is. Where you are at, there is an eternal light and there is constant peace and harmony. Your vocal chords can never grow weary from sickness or a cough. You do not have sadness. You have never known anything but absolute joy. 

Although I shared life with our Memaw on this earth and was her pride and joy, you were the first to see her in Heaven. You are the one who witnessed her walk through those pearly gates and gain her angelic wings. I held her hand as she lay there sick and dying, gasping for her very last breath. I watched as the doctors took her off of life support, and I screamed out in a pain I have to this day never known again, as I was forced to let the love of my life go- and yet you get to skip rocks in Beulah Land over waters that nothing I have fished on this earth can compare to. You do not know the heartbreak of watching someone you love so much grow old and become helpless. You did not have to pick her up when she fell to the ground in tears, because she was growing older with every passing day. 

I envy you, because you did not have to witness the heartbreak of addiction with family. When Mama and my Daddy split up, it tore my world apart. The man I call my Daddy would have raised you, too- I know he would have. Maybe you envy me for the fact that you do not know him. I am not certain. I don’t think it is possible to envy another in Heaven. However, I envy you because you do not know what it feels like to have a perfect life torn apart by the loss of love. I envy you, because you have never known what it is like to fall out of the will of God. It is so hard to get back on track. I envy you, because you never had to watch our sister battle addiction. It is a heartbreak so many know and should not. I envy you, because where you are drugs do not exist. They have taken so many that I love. 

I envy you, because you do not have to acknowledge the fact that with love comes great risks. I love people with every fiber in my soul. I love my dog with all my heart. Jada is my best friend. Yet one day, all of these people I love- and my sweet Jada- will return to the dust of the earth, as well. So shall I. You will never know the heartache of loss, because where you are there is no pain. There are no tears in Heaven, so you cannot possibly know what it is like to mourn. 

I envy you, because you do not have to step up and be the responsible kid. You are in a land where there is freedom, but it is so pure. There is no sin where you live, and the mountains and oceans you have seen have not been polluted by human hands. There is no toxicity in your city. Yet where I am, our fellow men kill one another and treat the soil we put our feet on with the same respect as a toilet wand. 

I envy you, because where you are a pure heart is admired and understood. Yet here, people are so egotistical and self-consumed that they strive to manipulate a loving heart. God would never take advantage of a single soul, yet man will be given an inch and take off with beyond a mile. Why is that, dear sister? You are there with God. I do not question him, but there is no much on this earth that is not understood. 

I envy you, because you have never had to make a mistake and repent for it. Here I am on this earth, and I sin every day. All of us down here do. You are immortal, and I am a mortal soul. I have a death date, and you are an eternal being. I know I will be one in time as well, but my mind races with all I want to accomplish on this earth. I oftentimes fear I will not get it all done. 

You have never had to cry from seeing an old lady in a grocery store who can barely push a cart out to her car, and you weep because she is alone and must carry those in by herself when she gets home. You have never lived in a world where we call the homeless “beggars” like they have some kind of plague, yet no one takes the time to even stop and hear their stories. You never had to live in a world where more heroin addictions happen daily than stopping to give thanks at the dinner table with family. You do not have to live in a world where cell phones have replaced intimacy. The man you see every day is the almighty God the Father, so you have only known the truest example there is to mankind. The only true God-fearing man I know in my heart on this earth is my Daddy, and I am so thankful that God gave me him as an example. I wonder if you had a hand in that? I bet you did. You little stinker. 

I envy you, because you can see me…. but I can’t see you. I cannot look into your eyes and see myself staring back at me. My heart tells me we would have resembled so much. Do you like to sing? Do you love music as much as Mama and the rest of us? 

You know this envy I hold is not in vein. I have no ill regards towards you whatsoever, and my heart holds nothing but love and longing for the day I get to see you. Will you kiss our dear Memaw for me and tell her thank you for visiting me in a dream the night before Mama’s surgery? She gave me a very strong heads up of what was to come the next day, and it still blows my mind how much of a spiritual connection I have with her although she has flown on. I bet you have a part in that, too. I know you see us, yet I realize it is probably in a filtered sense- because there is no pain in Heaven. If you saw the hurt we all feel on this cold earth at times, it would pain you. So maybe you can only see us but not hear anything. I am unsure. I do not know what it is like where you are, but when I am outdoors climbing a mountain or standing by the river holding a fishing pole- I imagine that is a teeny bit close to a glimpse. 

Ask God to let us be pen pals, and send me a letter sometime. 

I love you, firstborn. You will always be the first beauty our sweet Mama held. I do not ever wish to try and fill that spot. You already did when you showed Mama unconditional love by being the first one she gave life to. See you on the other side.