I have seen it all too many times… parents using their kids as leverage during a separation, or one of the two trying to turn the children against the other parent. It is all so wrong. In the end, the only ones truly hurting are the most innocent- the children.

My parents separated a couple of years after I graduated high school. It was so unexpected. My sister saw it coming long before I ever did. I moved out at 19. I was living on my own and being a total teenager. I always worked and paid my bills, but I was not home to see my Mama drifting further and further from Daddy. My sister was still living at home, and for years I carried the guilt of blaming myself for Mama and Daddy separating- because Mama cried every night when I moved out. She missed me so much.

I look back at pictures of us when we were little. There are so many good memories. There was so much love in our childhood, and we really did not want for a single thing. We had more love in our family than a resort hotel full of honeymooners could hold. What a blessing my childhood was. I would go back any second for eternity if I was given the chance. When we become adults, we lose that innocence and vibrant spirit of a child. We complicate everything- and for what? Wrinkles? Heartache? Ulcers? Worry? Loss of faith?

It took me years to truly appreciate just how my parents handled separating from one another. It was so hard in the beginning. My sister and I dealt with it in different ways. What is a kid to do when their whole world changes and seems to fall apart over night? You spend hours, days, months, even years wondering what you did wrong for your parents to fall out of love. Should I have stayed home? Was I wrong for moving out like every other kid does when they graduate high school? How did I miss all of this? Was this my fault for not going to church anymore like I was raised to do? Is God mad at me?

I grew bitter at God instead of drawing closer for a better relationship with Him. It took a long time to resolve that. I had to learn some very hard lessons and realize that my faith could not be put in man, but instead it had to be in God. It would take a long time to tell all of that, but just trust me.

I have friends who have kids and are separated. I cringe when the other parent talks badly of them to their child. I think of how my Mama and Daddy never spoke a cross word of the other one to my sister and I. I think of how my Mama had her brother let Daddy live with them for a while when he needed a place while we found a home together. I think of how my Daddy is heading home this very minute, because my Mama had surgery today.

I think of how my parents talk to each other every day. They communicate openly, and they seem to be there for the other when times are tough or even to celebrate any victories. Mama always looks out for Daddy with work and makes sure he doesn’t get taken advantage of, because he is too nice at times; Daddy always reminds Mama that she is the strongest woman he knows- and tougher than most men.

The first few years of them separating were so tough during holidays, but after an awkward period of time we now manage to get together and celebrate those times… for old times’ sake. There are too many memories from the past to reminisce on to not to be together during the holidays.

My happiness is because of the fact that my parents love my sister and I so much. They put aside their differences and because of us, they continued to express their love for us by still loving each other– even if that meant they are not together in an intimate relationship anymore.

Daddy brings diapers for the kids, and Mama came and changed my whole-house water filter since Daddy was out of town. They do not have a label to their parenting such as “divorced” or “we hate each other”. Instead, they are truly non-denominational in how they parent together.

Because of how my Daddy treats my Mama, I see a perfect example of how a man should treat a woman. Because of how my Mama treats my Daddy, I see how a woman should treat a man. I see how a woman is the heart of a household, and the man is the head. One cannot function without the other.

If you are separated but share a child or children with someone, do not allow that to mean things have fallen apart. The pieces can fit together if you both make the effort to co-exist. Be the people you should have been together, apart. Be that example for your kids. Be selfless so your children are not taught to be selfish. Think of their heart strings instead of playing to your own beat. They need you. Both of you.

Some people are better together, but apart. The greatest love you can give your child is to love the person you share them with.