There’s so much I want to say to you, there’s so much I want you to see. It just doesn’t seem right having two rugrats run around with the realization that they will never know you as I did. It doesn’t even sound right. It doesn’t feel right.

Liam left some pretty holly leaves on your grave today. We know you aren’t there. Yet each time I come, I flash back to the day they laid you in the ground. A piece of my soul died that day. I have never quite been the same.

This is the 6th Christmas we have had without you. 6 long years. I still have your phone number memorized. I still have your name in my phone. I still have pictures of you everywhere. I still love the smell of Pond’s Cold Cream. I still love you…. more than anything in this world.

I tear up at times as I see the kids with Mama. It reminds me of you and I. I wish I could just hug you and feel the warmth of your skin. Your heartbeat always had a way of
keeping me at ease- no matter how chaotic life could be. You believed in me so much. You are the reason I believe in so much.

I sat and laid my hand on your grave today. Tears poured as I thought of how thankful I am to be with my family today but how lonely it still is without you. I don’t think it will ever be the same.

You brought so much joy to our lives. As I watched Mama dust off your grave and talk to you, I broke down. I thought of how one day I will lose her. My heart aches at the loss of you, and it aches at the pain my Mama feels in losing her own mother. You were irreplaceable.

People say loved ones gone on before us watch over us from above, yet the Bible tells us there are no tears in Heaven. No suffering, no pain. It’s sometimes hard to think that you can see us, because if you could you would be saddened by our pain.

So I tell myself that you’re with me in nature. You’re with me when I cook green beans and flash back to stringing them with you on the porch. You’re with me when I push Lynix on a swing and flash back to you pushing me on that tire swing. You’re with me when Liam falls asleep on my chest, just like I did with you. You’re with me when I’m in the woods, just like today when I saw that bald eagle fly by over the stream looking to catch fish just as I was. We shared the same grounds, and I know that was you. I have never seen anything so free and beautiful, and it was right after I visited your grave today. I know that was you.

I’ll never long for anything as much as I long to see you again. Thank you for that beautiful view today. That was my first time ever seeing a bald eagle, and it was a very spiritual experience.

Love one another, people. You never know who is hurting. Pretty smiles can cover up some deep pain.